Disappointed
by reviewgirl911
Summary: Dear Old Love series- Summary: Before Bellatrix Lestrange came to be, there was just a girl named Bella Black, the least beautiful or refined of the Black sisters, the one who had a huge crush on her secret friend Gideon Prewett. Sometimes, she thinks back to those days and that boy she never had…


**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. No freaking duh!**

**Prompt**: I still consider you the best person I know, even if we were never actually together. I like to think that you thought the same about me. But even if you did, I know you'd be disappointed in who I am now.

Once upon a time, before Bellatrix Lestrange was a mass-murdering Death Eater, she was just Bella Black, the middle Black sister. She wasn't the prettiest nor the most refined, just tough and abrasive and slightly awkward. Her friends were few, most of her fellow students scared off by her personality. Her only real friend in school was Gideon Prewett.

* * *

"Gideon?" a young girl with black curls and gray eyes whispered.

"Yeah, Bells?" a slightly older red-haired boy asked, his brown eyes shining.

"We'll always be friends, right?" The girl's voice was desperate.

The boy pressed a gentle kiss to her head. "Always, Bells."

* * *

Gideon was two years ahead of her in school, infinitely handsome, and constantly pulling pranks with his twin brother Fabian, and her complete opposite. She was a Slytherin and he a Gryffindor so they never acknowledged each other in daylight, but every night they sat by the lake and talked for hours. He told her funny stories about his little sister, and she ranted to him about her parents. Gideon had a particular talent for making her laugh.

* * *

"Knock-knock!"

"What?"

"Knock-knock!"

"Knock-knock on what?"

"The door! Bells, I'm trying to tell you a joke. You're supposed to say, 'Who's there?'"

"Is this another Muggle thing?"

"Just do it!"

"Fine. Who's there?"

"Madam."

"Madam who?"

"Madam foot got caught in the door!"

There was silence.

"That was a terrible joke."

"That was an awesome joke! You're just mean!"

"But why knock? Why not just use the Floo?"

She laughed at his dumfounded face.

"You're brilliant, Bells."

"I know."

* * *

Bella could never understand why people confused Gideon and Fabian. Gideon had a dimple that played out on his left cheek when he smiled (Fabian didn't), and he had a crooked grin that was entirely his own. Sometimes she had fantasized about kissing him, but she never did. Gideon dated pretty funny Gryffindor girl, not awkward Slytherins with a thousand scars on her heart.

(Even later, when they were no longer friends, Bella always hated Marlene McKinnon. She took a vindictive pleasure in killing her for her Lord.)

* * *

She twirled her hair around her finger. He was late again. He'd been late a lot the past few weeks.

"Hey, sorry I'm late," he apologized, plopping down next to her.

She shrugged. "Whatever."

He frowned. "I really mean it."

"Was it Marlene again?" She managed to keep all traces of bitterness out of her voice.

"Yes." He never lied to her.

"Do you love her?"

He shrugged. "Don't know."

"Hmm."

There was silence, but it wasn't uncomfortable. It never was with them.

"Bells, you know you're my favorite girl, right?"

She snorted. "I thought Molly was your favorite girl."

"She's my favorite sister," he corrected. "You're my favorite girl."

She raised an eyebrow.

"Just though you should know."

She smiled.

* * *

Gideon did more for Bella than just being her friend. He told her that she was beautiful, that she was kind, and that she was the bravest person he knew. He said these things so often she started to believe him. He comforted her when Andromeda ran off with Ted Tonks her fourth year. She had felt like her world was falling apart. Meda was her rock, her constant in the chaos that was the Black family. Without her, she felt like a boat floating out at sea. Gideon soon replaced her as Bella's anchor.

* * *

She had been quiet that night, as he expected. Her sister was gone, and there wasn't much he could do for her. It was maddening. Even his jokes had little effect.

"I hate her."

He didn't say anything, only squeezing her hand in comfort.

It wasn't until they'd been sitting in silence a while that she spoke again.

"I wish I could leave our family too."

"You could if you wanted," he suggested hopefully. He wanted her away from the snobbery and prejudice that was the Blacks. She was better than that.

She shook her head sadly. "No, I couldn't. Mother and Father wouldn't stand to lose another one of us."

"I'd help you," he offered.

She didn't answer, just kissing his cheek in thanks. He knew she would never take her up on it. She couldn't abandon the last sister she had.

* * *

Their friendship ended her fifth year. The Knights of Walpurgis started to gain prominence everywhere, and they recruited Bella. She joined because she wanted to please her parents and because she wasn't brave enough to say no. There really was no choice for her. She was a Black, a pureblood of the finest pedigree, and it was her duty. She hated it. He didn't understand.

* * *

His voice was hoarse from yelling. "You're throwing your life away."

She laughed cynically. "There isn't much to throw away, is there?"

* * *

After that, he graduated and joined the Order of Phoenix. She married the eldest Lestrange brother and rose the ranks of the Death Eaters. She didn't finish school. Sometimes she caught his eye in battle, but she always looked away first. His warm brown eyes looked disappointed.

* * *

"What do you think the future will be like, Gideon?" It was a beautiful spring night after finals. She was feeling restless.

"Wonderful," he replied, putting his arm around her. "I'll be a butt-kicking Auror, and you'll be…"

"The Minister of Magic?" she suggested lazily.

He laughed. "Somebody's ambitious."

"I'm a Slytherin. It's in our nature." She took a deep breath. "Sometimes I think I can do anything."

He looked at her tenderly. "You can, Bells. And anyone who disagrees will meet the end of my wand."

* * *

She wasn't at the raid that killed him. When she read about it in the paper, she Crucioed the house elf and locked herself in the spare room for two days. No one could get her to come out: not her husband, her sister, or even her Lord. Her grief was angry, bitter, and private.

* * *

"Do you ever think about death?" It was a morbid question, even for her.

He blinked at her. "Not really," he answered warily. "Have you?"

"Sometimes," she replied. "I wonder what it'd be like or exactly how I'd want to die."

Since it only seemed to be one of her games and not something he should be worried about, he played away. "Something heroic would be nice."

"Like a battle or something?"

"Yeah, I could be slaying a dragon or saving a fair maiden. That'd be a nice death."

"And she'd repay you right before death with a life-changing kiss?"

"You should've been in Ravenclaw, Bells. You're just too smart."

"It's such a Gryffindor death."

"Better than dying like a Slytherin."

"And how do they die?"

"Caught in the middle of the webs they've weaved."

* * *

She went to his grave, just once, but she never forgot it. Even Azkaban didn't take the memory away. She supposed because it was neither happy nor sad, just utterly confusing and heartbreaking. She remembered thinking that it was merciful that Gideon had gone with his twin. For him to live without Fabian would've been like splitting his soul in half.

She placed yellow roses (his favorite color) on the grave. The day was cold and windy, hitting her face sharply. Tears rolled down her face for the first time in years.

* * *

_I'm so sorry, Gideon_, she thinks to herself. _I still consider you the best person I know, even if we were never actually together. I like to think that you thought the same about me. But even if you did, I know you'd be disappointed in who I am now. I wish I had listened to you. I wish I was braver, more like a Gryffindor, but I'm not. I never have been. If I had been, I would have kissed you by the lake._

* * *

Madness came more readily after that. She couldn't summon up the energy to mind. Years passed in Azakban and in her Lord's service, but then a moment flashes back to her. She's fighting a woman with red hair with all too familiar eyes, and a jolt hits her as she remembers Gideon's beloved little sister Molly, a sweet little girl who split her time between all her dolls so she wouldn't love a particular one more. Bella can't help it. She laughs. It is the end of her.

* * *

_We'll always be friends, right?_

_Always, Bells._


End file.
